HIGH HOPES FOR HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL TEAM GO UP IN BLUNT SMOKE
The entire squad of Minutiae High School’s 2012-13 basketball team were outright released after the scandal involving the school’s athletic director was leaked exclusively to this show. Tom “Triple T” Tones, the AD who also serves as head basketball coach, resigned after his fiery, final pep talk to the team was captured on a secretly recorded iPhone video. Tones, whose nickname, the “Triple T”(referring to his penchant for tanning salons, toupees, and trophy wives) delivered his annual “Triple T” speech moments before he announced his intent to force the baseball team to eat at Tony’s Deli.
His speech to his student-athletes, none of whom are over 18, reminded his players that “if you’re old enough to vote, old enough to carry a weapon in the military, then you should be old enough to drink.” Coach Tones then pulled a bottle of Dubra Vodka from his ill-fitting Kohl’s jeans and toasted the team in memory of his father, step-father, baby daddy, and his brood of 64 Minutiae descendants who helped incorporate this town in 1709.
In addition to the bottle of vodka, Coach Tones also pulled from his jeans, the following items: a Muhammad Ali bobble-head GPS doll he uses to keep track of minority athletes enrolled in the school of 1700 students; 37 Percocets for every woman he bedded during his three marriages; a stained dog leash from the Pink Pussycat Boutique off 6th Avenue in Greenwich Village; a faded newspaper obituary of his first wife pinned to a card from the 77th precinct detective who never solved the coach’s first wife’s disappearance; and thick buds of purple haze that he copped from 10th grade cheer-leading captain, Shelly “Below the Belly” St. Claire, a recent transfer student from Bon Temps, Louisiana.
Live From Minutiae, Connecticut! 